Load sharing and dyadic regulation of emotions

In the descriptions of the parents’ emotion regulation, the needs for and means of load sharing and jointly regulating emotions were essential in a scary situation.

F: It feels good that there is someone with whom to share it, actually everything. That there isn’t… isn’t anything in this situation which I should bearalone.

I (Interviewer): She supports you there.

F: So, yes. And I can support her as well.

Parents described the sensation, reflection, and empathic attuning of the other’s emotional states that led to anticipation and identification of a partner’s affliction and suffering. In their responses, they also indicated the prioritization of the load of their partner.

F: It always feels bad to leave the baby, even knowing that the care is good. The mother feels it even worse than the father. -- The most difficult thing is probably to see the bad feelings the mother has there. When you cannot handle your baby as a normal child. Then, the separation between the baby and the mother when she has to go home, although in a good mood, ‘good mood’ (makes air quotes with his fingers), can leave while the baby is asleep. But it impacts me heavily. -- I guess that has been the hardest thing.

Parents took care of each other’s current distress, coped with excessive struggling and planned for potential future fatigue. Both fathers and mothers had the fear that the other parent would blame her- or himself for the child’s illness.

Direct sharing of emotions, such as crying and speaking, as well as trying to support each other in their emotion regulation by providing physical proximity, were considered as important in a challenging situation. Parents also sought to protect each other from the stressful aspects of the situation.

F: And, of course, I do not want the mother to break down by telling her directly, the doctor may then tell her what the situation is. -- I did not tell her everything, what the possibilities might be. -- I’ve been reading during late nights, waiting for the fading of the embers, reading about the issue, uh, questions have arisen. Of course, I have not wanted to burden the mother, and I have not told her everything.

Some parents reported that they deliberately avoided the expression of negative emotions in a stressful situation.

F: Anyway, you try to be the strong one in this situation as well, so I said to the mother that I’ll go away, so she doesn’t have to see me break down there.

Being with the other person and living, experiencing, and sharing the situation together were considered as essential forms of dyadic emotion regulation. Parents felt that the speechless presence, intimacy, and staying with each other were strengthening, comforting, and supportive. They reported that physical closeness enhanced the regulation of negative emotions.

F: And when she has had difficult times, when the tears have come to her eyes, either tears of joy or sorrow, I have tried to get close and support her with proximity, with physical proximity, by taking her close and hugging.

--

M: It’s extremely important that you can go through this shit with a partner. -- It’s just so important that the partner is close to you, even if you are not able to say anything but. -- That if you were there alone, it wouldn’t work at all.

Face to face and remote interaction between the parents were considered as sources of support, proximity, trust, comfort, and calming down and as a means of communicating and structuring information. Parents comforted each other verbally and tried to alleviate each other’s possible feelings of guilt.

F: Immediately after giving birth, she asked if I had any accusations about this thing, that if she did something wrong. I said hell no. -- I said that you don’t have anything to do with this, and you have done things just as fine as you, as any mother, could.

Listening, humor, and approval were also regarded as important forms of dyadic emotion regulation. Parents also regulated each other’s emotions verbally by orienting to the future, maintaining hope, and paying particular attention to the positive aspects.

F: And I’ve also encouraged her by telling her that we will get through this. And the baby will survive, that she’s a tough girl.

They tried to support each other in emotion regulation in dealing with conflict situations and difficult issues.

F: Well, actually, when this collapse happened, we both cried. And she said that she had believed something was going to happen, something would happen. That something did happen, however. She was just afraid that there is something… I said that we are now in the hospital, that here they can do almost miracles, that we are going to survive.

And the baby survives, that was the starting point. -- Mainly, I tried to support her in this matter. It was perhaps the most important task in it. I strongly believed that they could handle it in the hospital. And then let’s look at one situation at a time. -- Was hoping, and I tried also to create the trust in her. That we will get through this.

Parents considered the presence of each other as important, especially when they encountered the hospital staff and dealt with the information related to the situation of their child.

5.1.3 Importance of dyadic emotion regulation in terms of